June Cleaver Would Have To Cut A Bitch

Kristin Simself the Elder: "I don't know. This one looks like an actual bird. How's the girl one?"

Shut up, me!

Although the girl one does look a little, angry.

"This tv is complete ass!!"

Welcome back to the Sh*thouse ISBI!  Last chapter Bubbie gave birth to twins Big Bird, and Sunshine. Big Bird is now an artistic slob who will be at complete odds with his Aunt PP as he is good.  Sunshine is a slobby couch potato who will blissfully sleep through any fires, burglaries, and noisy babies this game can produce.

"Ugh, he's GOOD?  What does that even mean?  Like, does he taste sort of delicious or what?"

"For fuck's's sake, PP, just shut the hell up and leave Biggie alone!! It's not his fault, he probably got some goody-goody gene from his simpering father!"

"Damn, Bubb! Take a chill pill, PLEASE!  It was just a joke! I know it's not Biggie's fault that his mother's a whore who banged a dumb old man for a pittance!"

"Look bitch, that old fart had a 100,000 simoleon life insurance policy THAT THE SIM GOD WOULDN'T LET ME KEEP!!!  That's HARDLY chump change!!"

Oh yeah, she's not letting that go any time soon.

"What the hell is going on in that bathroom!? I've got to GO out here!!"

"Ahhhhh, so relaxing."

Sunny may not be evil, but I think she's got some tendencies.

Congrats, kids.

"Hell no, you lazy motherfucker! You want the answer?  Haul your own damn ass to France and find out, you braindead putz."

LOL!  Typical.

In an attempt to make the pleebs happy, I brought everyone to the arcade to, hopefully, play some games and socialize so they'll get in a better mood. It went brilliantly.

PP: "There's nothing to do here."

Bubbie: "Turn around, dumb ass!"

Sunny: "Mom! Can I have $5?"

Bubbie: "Ask your grandmother!"

Biggie: "It smells in here, I don't like it."

It's you, you moron.

Sky: "Oooooo, my favorite color, EVERYWHERE!!"

"Well, I brushed my teeth four times so, that was fun. I'm going home now."

"I'm PP, I think I'm too cool for the arcade, when really I'm just a whiny little bitch who's only friends are the flies, and a fat loser!"

"Fuck you, Bubb!! At least I'm not an unemployed, washed up black widow with a dead baby daddy and no future."

*smirk* "Your only future is a deadend job at a warehouse, while you live alone in some shithole on the outskirts of town, which will be all you can afford cause you ain't getting a cent from me, sister."

"I don't need anything from you, bitch. I can't WAIT to get the hell out of here. I'm going to rule this town some day, and then you'll be sorry."

"I hope I don't passout from holding my breath."

At least one member of the family had fun.

"Come on, come ON!!  YEAHHHHH!!!"

That evening...

Sky: "So, did you kids have fun today?"

Biggie: "I liked the big mirror in the bathroom."

Sunny: "The video game was awesome! But then my money ran out and you were gone, Grandma. Mom wouldn't give me anymore."

Bubbie: "You're all disgusting slobs, by the way."

"I don't understand the point of washing the dishes. They're just going to get dirty again, and it wastes the food that's still on them. I can get at least 2 full meals out of one plate, and then it's clean enough to use again. Waste of time and water."

Sky: "That's what I keep telling your mother, but she doesn't listen."

Bubbie; "Fuck you dirty, filthy, GROSS motherfuckers."

Bubbie!  Look! Someone actually used the toy stove!  I mean, they didn't eat the muffin and just left it there to rot, but they USED THE STOVE!!

"That damn muffin is made from the carcasses of PP's fly army, and all the fucks I don't give about that stupid toy stove."

That you wished for.

"FUCK. OFF."

Where is your sister, btw?

"My guess is, she's in the tub."

She's gonna kill you.

"Pfft."

Why are you washing dishes in the bathroom sink?

"Kitchen sink's broken."

"YOU FUCKING BITCH! STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M USING IT!!"

"Okay, when I stop seeing stars, you're going down."

"Hmph. In your dreams."

"Are you here to upgrade the tv?"

"Nope, I'm here to fix your sink."

"Come on, man! I'm DYING here. This piece of shit doesn't even get AMC. I have to watch "The Walking Dead" at a friend's house!  I'm way behind!"

Dammit, Sunny!  Quit distracting the hired help!

"NOBODY understands my pain!"

"Pinky, you NEED to stop picking fights with your sister! It's hard running a household. And it's not her fault she's a bit OCD and needs to practically sterilize the house all the time. Cut her some slack!"

"Oh you're fucking kidding me, right? You've always liked Bubbie best, anyway. Hos of a feather."

"Do NOT try me, girl! I may be old but I've still got it where it counts. And don't underestimate Bubbie either. Whathisface did that and he's 6 feet under the concrete at the pool."

"Yeah. I'm not gonna worry about it."

"Crazy old bitch."

"I parented!! Yay me!!"

"Zzzzzz I sees the future zzzzzzzzzzzzzz Somebody's gonna DIE zzzzzzzzzzzzzzZ"

"Okay, I'm in here two seconds and I already need to pee. What is WITH all the yellow?"

"I know, right? Hideous."

Dammit, Sunny!

"Oh my god, I KNEW it!  I knew someone was gonna die!  I have the esspee!!"

The what?

"Esspee, where you can see the future."

E.S.P?

"That's what I said."

E.S.P. is "extra sensory perception," the ability to sense things outside of the basic five. You're talking about precognition, that's the ability to predict/see the future.

"Mom is right about you."

Christen: "Whoa! Is that Grim? I don't know what you're talking about, Sunny. Your house is really cool!"

Trent: "That's not very nice, Chris. Can't you see that poor Sunny's grandma is dying, here?"

Sunny: "Yeah! GOD, Chrissy!"

Christen: "Sorry! It's still cool, though."

PP and Sunny had friends over after school, so Sky had a crowd for her death.

"PLEASE, Grim!! I didn't even get to finish my sandwich!  I'm starving!!"

"You know as well as I do that you can come back and eat your descendants out of house and home whenever you feel like it. Try another one."

"My baby is still just a teenager!  Who's going to take care of her?"

"Oh, don't worry about PP. I'll take care of her, no problem."

So much love and compassion.

Rest in peace, Sky.  Try not to harrass me too much as you futz around the yard for the next 5 generations.

You were a great founder, and I really wish you were taking your flies with you.

Back to the hot, steaming pile of class that is this ISBI.

"PP, tell your fat friend to move his ginormous ass. I've got important shit to do and he's in my way."

"What important shit? More condoms to poke holes in?"

Trent: *quietly does homework in hopes that it might make him disappear*

"You know what, PINKY? I've really had it with your worthless shit."

"I'll bet you have. Whatcha' gonna do about it, hussy?"

"I'm gonna give you the ass-whooping you've needed since you were fucking BORN!"

"*yawn* Stupid bitch, I've got 3 athletic points to your, what, one? One and a half? I hope you like the taste of dust!"

"I am SO glad your spoiled, bratty ass is going to be on the streets tomorrow!"

"You'll be looking at me from your hospital bed, slut!"

How you doing, Trent?

"Okay, I'm almost done. Getting kind of tired."

"You need to shut your damn mouth and start packing!!"

Mean-spiritedness: 1  Athletic: 0

PP gets her revenge.

"HaHA!! Try getting clean NOW, you fucking neat freak!!"

Her plot masterminding never really got any more sophisticated. Trent's revenge was a lot more insidious.

"Zzzzzzz curfew? what curfew? zzzzzzzzzzzzZ"

You ass.

"Zzzzzzzzzz it's fine zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I'll sleep in the lounge chair at my friend's house zzzzzzZ"

He's not breaking curfew, I'm just all over the place with the pics. It's the next afternoon.

PP ages up on her own that evening. No party as Bubbie didn't give a shit.

"Fuck that bitch! I'm gonna rule the world!!"

"JFC, aren't you done yet?"

Looking good!  Pinky Pie is now an evil, athletic, party animal, with star quality, and is not having any of your nonsense about werewolves and vampires.

"I cannot believe people actually buy into what are, essentially, children's monster stories."

Her LTW is, wait for it, to be the Emperor of Evil.  Try to contain your surprise. I moved her out into a little house in the center of town. Cannot wait to see what havoc you wreak, PP.

"Fuck yeah!"

She wasted no time.

Another day, another birthday party. So.much.enthusiasm.

Me: "There's THREE cakes!!"

Yup, it's a triple birthday extravaganza.

Bubbie goes first, seeing as it's her party.

"I wish Grandma was here!"

"Let it go, Biggie!  Ruin my party with your whimpering nonsense and you'll sleep outside tonight."

"I wish to know who the hell invited my brother this time."

"I'm just here to cheer for my niece and nephew!"

Much to Bubbie's annoyance, I do get final say over the guest list.

"What the hell 1800s, western-good-time-girl hair IS this?"

I'll get back to you, Bubbs.

"I wish to prefer the company of the only decent person in my household."

He rolled "loner" for his trait.

Of course PP is here.

"Well, didn't I pick a great day to stop at the bar after work."

I invited you. Also,nice outfit.

"I'm undercover, you dipshit."

"Two tvs AND places to sit and read. I like this place."

Sunny rolled "bookworm".

They both got clothing recolors but I kept their respective hairs.

"So, did you cook those waffles, or is the shit your aunt made still stinking up the fridge?"

"I made these."

"Fantastic. Nobody can cook to save their asses in this house."

"I really wish you wouldn't swear so much, Mom. It's so vulgar and unnecessary."

"I wish I had another hundred grand kicking around. Everybody's disappointed, kiddo."

"Hi Bubbie! Remember me? Ronaldo Maroon! We went to school together."

"We did?"

"Well, you were a senior when I was a freshman, but still! How are you?"

"Doing okay. I'm a painter [who hasn't painted in years], though I mostly stay home to take care of my kids these days [LOL!!!]. How about you?"

"Not too shabby! I'm swinging single, enjoying life, living for the moment, youknowwhatimean?"

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a rock star!  Well, someday. Right now I carry equipment and fetch stuff for the band. But I practice all the time.  My big break is coming, I just know it!"

"Oh. So. Is your family ............ well off?"

"Lol!  I'm not. I hear I have a ridiculously wealthy 2nd or 3rd cousin who lives in Desert Palms, but I've never even met him. You wanna, hang out or something?"

"Eh, sure. You're pretty cute, I guess."

"Hell yeah! We totally scored!!"

"This is not the scoring I had in mind."

I was trying to build up their relationship a little so Bubbie could have some fun.

LOL! She's the chick next to him in the video game pic.

He may not be swinging single for much longer, as if it matters. If Bubbie rolls any wishes for him, we'll go for it.

"Are you serious? He's dirt poor! Did you see his shirt?"

The twins are not exactly buckets of excitement. This is pretty much the extent of their lives right now. Sunny, in particular, is ALWAYS either watching tv, or reading. She doesn't do anything else.

In an attempt to get some socializing going, Bubbie brings them to the pool to have some fun, and visit Dad.

"This is our dad?"

"Why is his body still at the pool?"

It was his final request and the Grim Reaper chose to honor it.

"Okay. That's weird but whatever."

Why is everyone crowding into the small pool?

"That other pool freaks me out, man. That's the pool Dad drowned in! I'm not swimming in there. The more I think about it, the more I feel like something's really not right about this."

"I'm telling you, Mom, I know something funny happened with Dad.  He didn't just drown. Tell me the truth, what really happened here? How did Dad really die?"

"What the hell are you saying, Biggie? Are you accusing me of something? Because you better fucking not be! You don't know shit!"

"Well I wasn't, but if the shoe fits......................."

"You know what Biggie? Fuck off!! I don't owe you an explanation for any damn thing!I took enough shit from your grandmother and your aunt, I'm sure as hell not taking it from you, too!"

"So that's how it is, huh?"

 Yes, somebody does.

"Damn right that's how it is, you little punkass."

LOL!!

Sky!! How's it going?

"I miss my grandchildren."

Thanks, Sky!

"Now I'm gonna be really tired in the morning."

"And starving, too! I'm gonna die!"

Yeah yeah, that's not nearly as important as Biggie mastering the art of levitation back there.

"Zzzzzzzz we're gonna be rich zzzzzzzzzzzZ"

"How'd you sleep last night, Biggie?"

"Eh, okay I guess. A little bruised from when I fell on the floor after waking up."

"I meant to ask you last night, what were you and mom fighting about at the pool?"

"*sigh* Nothing really. I want some answers about Dad's death, and she doesn't want to give them."

"It might be too tough for her to talk about."

"I suppose. I just wish she was a nicer person."

"*chuckle* Yeah, Mom and Aunt Pinky got more in common then they'd like to admit. Whoa man, watch out! You almost got one of the flies."

"What flies?"

"The ones all around us, dumbbell!"

"Holy mackerel!! They're everywhere!!"

I didn't think they bothered you.

"They do now!"

Bubbie hides out at the nightclub, having a stiff drink.

"One 'bad cheerleader', right here."

"I have a feeling that I'm really gonna need this."

"Tub's broken."

It sure is, isn't it?

Hey Bubb, do you want to go home and call a repairsim for the broken tub?

"Nah. I'll get to it later, Rodolfo just came in."

You know he's married, right?

"What?"

I guess things didn't work out with Kelli.

"How long am I supposed to cook this?  Where's that damn box?"

"It's smoking. Is mac and cheese supposed to do that?"

No. No it's not.

"Oh what, the house is on fire now?  JFC, FINE. I'll call the fire department. I better act terrified, I hear that they are as bad as the police if you don't."

"OH MY GOD MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE PLEASE HURRY UP AND HELP ME!!  MY POOR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!"

That ought to do it.

"SAVE US BIGGIE!!"

Leila: "For pete's sake, somebody DO something!!  Why the HELL don't you have a fire alarm??"

"This is it. We're all gonna die. WHERE is mom??"

"Hey Rodolfo, you'll never guess what's going on!"

"LOL! What?"

"My house is literally on fire right now, with my kids inside!"

"Holy shit, that's AWESOME!!  I love fire!!"

"Nice flashback action, Ro! I like your style. Want to get another drink?"

"Sure!"

"Okay kids, you're scared, I get it, but all the screaming is NOT helping!"

The fire department must have sent its one competent clone.

"Oh this poor stove! It never had a chance!"

"Remember kids, fire alarms save lives. Also, why are these teenagers home alone? Where is their parent or guardian? Are they aware of the situation?"

Oh, she's aware.

I'm sure she'll be home soon, she's just about done.

"The fuck happened to this stove?"

Fire, remember?

"Yeah, yeah, but what HAPPENED?"

Sunny tried to make mac and cheese.

"*sigh* I swear I'm about to throw this bitch out and not buy a new one. Everyone can just fucking survive on cereal and zombie brains, and not burn my motherfucking house down."

Remember the time you tried to make waffles before school?

"NO! And shut the fuck up! God! I'm going to take a nice, relaxing bath and YOU better leave me the hell alone."

"MotherFUCKER!!"

I tried to tell y...

"AAAAAHHHHHHHSHUTUP!11!!1!"

So I have to decide which one of these two couch potatoes is going to be the next torchholder. Even if Bubbie has another child, s/he will be way too young for consideration.  Both of these guys are pretty dull.

"Well that's not true!  I set the kitchen on fire! That was exciting."

"I don't think that's the kind of excitement she means."

"I don't see you doing anything particularly riveting."

"I flirted with a girl, once."

"You sure have pretty, green eyes, Christen." (yes, the same girl who was around for Sky's death)

"*giggle* Thank you, Biggie! I just love your hair."

"Thanks!"

............................................................................................................

............................................................................................................

*crickets chirp*

Biggie goes to read a book while Chris gets food, they never talk again.

"Wow. That was so intense, I almost got whiplash from jerking my head back up so I wouldn't pass out."

"I fight with Mom all the time."

"We BOTH fight with Mom all the time."

"When have YOU had a fight with Mom?"

"Just yesterday, she started yelling at me for no good reason.  Remember? Our friend, Pauline, was here."

"Okay, who are you?"

"I'm Pauline, I go to school with Biggie and Sunny."

"Why are you here?"

"Sunny invited me."

"Oh really."

"I HATE HAVING PEOPLE OVER! I DON'T EVEN REALLY LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY LIVE HERE!"

"Oh for god's sake, Mom. Chill out. Pauline's only going to be here for a few hours, then she'll go home. Damn."

"You better clean up after any mess she makes. You two are bad enough, let's not go adding even more slobs to the mix."

"Mmhmm. Fine, Mom. I don't think she's gonna make a mess, but whatever."

"I don't know. I don't think an argument over bringing a friend home from school has the same emotional resonance as a fight over how Dad died."

"Hmmm, maybe if I were more dramatic? Screamed and yelled some m..............OMG! I love this commercial! The little girl is so cute!!"

Yeah. It's probably going to come down to final traits and LTWs. You'll find out next chapter.  In the meantime, here's Bubbie bonding with her niece, Pepto's daughter, Geneva.

"*snort* Hey Gen, take a look at your Auntie Slutty Pie over there."

"*giggle* Oh my god, does she NOT know that you can totally see her bra in that outfit?"

"I know, right? At least it's better than her 'undercover' outfit. She's 'undercover' alright, under the cover of an olympic swimming pool!"

"AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH DRESSING MODESTLY??"

"Whoa! What the....."

"WANTING TO COVER UP YOUR TITS AND ASS DOES NOT MEAN WEARING A SWIMMING POOL COVER!! LIKE YOU'RE ONE TO TALK, WALKING AROUND WEARING WHAT CAN ONLY BE A DOG COLLAR!! START WEARING HUMAN CLOTHES AND MAYBE WE'LL TALK!!"

Guess what, Bubbs? Geneva is mean-spirited, too!

"Oooookay, you're going to calm down, and I'm going to go get a drink and pretend that I never even met you."

How's that karma sandwich tasting?

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Nothing.

Points

Every time you roll a trait for a Sim: +25 (the twins, twice, Pinky once)

Fire: -5

Fight: -5

Previous Score: +75

Current Score: +90